There’s a saying back in my country. ” Iiyak mo na ang dapat mong iiyak. Iluha mo na ang dapat mong iluha. Mahalin ang dapat mong mahalin. ” Which literally translates to ” Cry what needs to cried. Shed a tear to what needs to be shed a tear. Love what needs to be loved.”
Closing on the eve of my Blog Ms. Circumstance first anniversary, I entered into a break up. It wasn’t a boyfriend breakup (my love life sucks as is anyway). My childhood friend who have been suffering from depression decided to cut me out from her life. I was drained, I had my own problems and tried my best to lend her an ear to her own relationship problems. Her boyfriend of 8 years ended it early this year. She lost the will to work and pretty much to live. She lost her cheer, she was always crying, jumping from one mood and another, always doubting herself or angry. At the same time it magnified her bad traits, Nickky is strong willed woman who hates to be pointed of her mistakes, she expected me to only listen to her, which I tried and did. But after the mounting pressure of my own personal issues of possibly getting evicted at my home due to a lease issue, I also wanted someone to lean on and when reached out to Nikky, she was despondent and dismissive. It wasn’t long till it came to a head. When I confronted her on how I felt, she responded back by cutting me off her life. That’s 20 Years for you down the drain. The current experience gave me time to recollect what I have gone through over the past year. And the questions fly over my head, what have I achieve, what are my goals, what have changed or improved , and there are still thing worth fighting for?
The past year and a half I have been scrimping every dollar I earn to go back home for at least a 3 week vacation to the Philippines. Each time that plan was thwarted by my lease agreement in my home that is quickly gobbling up my savings. But despite the difficulty, there were some new milestones when it came to my self-betterment.
- I wanted to be more serious in my weight loss.
I’ve been doing Zumba close to 2 months now. It wasn’t until yesterday I noticed the results. I also decided to take some metabolism booster called Cellucor HD of which the results and review I plan to post on a separate entry. I’m still not used to some of the side effects and my diet still needs work. But I did lost 3 lbs so that’s something to celebrate. On a good note, my energy has increased and I do feel a bit happier with all this motivation I am getting.
- Taking a more active role in my professional career growth.
I’m scared of change. I like my current job and its responsibilities because they are something I am familiar and enjoy doing. But my role has kept me stagnant. I can’t be a manager at this point even though I’m content. So I spoke to HR after I heard of possible training opportunities at our sister locations. As expected I was denied…not quailed, too expensive to send me over since they can get a trainer locally. Either way I wanted to be more proactive in my career growth in every little way as possible. Looking the part, learning the part and going through the rejections that comes my way till some one says YES.
- Trying to get into the electronic and media organizations – even though all I get are rejections.
I always wanted Liketosweet (my tumblr page) and this blog, Ms. Circumstance to feature articles about travel, games and gadgets. Unfortunately my current IRL schedules and line of work prevent me from getting connected with the industry of my desire. I was denied access to E3 last year due to lack of qualifications. It won’t stop me from applying every year. E3 for me is a tropical forest of information for gadgets and gaming taken from the eyes of someone like me who isn’t that “techie” or gamer-ey. When The Apple Event was held just this September 10, I learned that invites were only given to prolific members of the press and big name bloggers like that of Techcrunch. So I emailed Apple if they can give me a one time consideration in the future for an invite. As expected no response. But I don’t plan to give up yet. DRIVE is the one force that has got me going all these years when it comes to my love of electronics and journalistic writing, even if I’m terrible at it. On the good side, I can still write articles about Cosplayers and Comics due to my work’s affiliation w/ Comic Con
- Saving up
Nickky always told me to save up for when I come home. She wanted us to go to this luxurious spa-which I wasn’t too excited about. But I complied and saved up a separate literal piggy bank just for the Spa Trip. It also sparked my motivation to save more. Have a goal to reach $3000 on my savings account come 2014 (I don’t earn that much). Buy my father a TV he deserves when I come home and a really nice expensive gift I would not mind splurging him on. Save up for a memorial plan for myself-since I am an only child I wanted to take care of my future demise or my father’s when the time comes. And the list goes on. I’ve been good on it so far given the financial setbacks. There have been sacrifices like no longer saving up for my plane trip till I can find a solution to my lease. The money I save up for Nickky is still in its container, maybe if we ever be friends again I won’t hesitate to indulge with her on that expensive spa.
The revolving theme that pops out on my post today seems to be Nickky. I do mourn the loss of our friendship. On her birthday I sent her a text message saying I wish her a great year. The same day she cut me off. Emotions ran through since I know Nickky, she has a habit of bad mouthing people to their common friends when she is at odds with them. I was someone she heavily criticized openly because frankly I really think she thinks of me as a loser. But she has her good moments, and she has been there for me on some of my difficult periods, her way of comforting me was teasing me about how much I “suck” and that I deserved better. She pushed me to lose weight though I don’t agree of her “encouragement” methods. What divide us now is a wall mixed with resentment and pride. If I were to come running to her again like a scorned girlfriend begging her boyfriend back, I would just be feeding her ego. Right now her depression is eating her, and she needs to heal. Even before we had a fight I did tell her I rather we had a fractured friendship than me seeing her waste her life away. I said this to her when she contemplated suicide…I got angry and asked another friend to help her snap out of it.
I realized quickly that I really don’t have friends. I have acquaintances but it has gone as bad as no one really wants to hang with me. It’s perhaps because I’m odd, I’m weird…which I both don’t deny. I talk with an annoying high pitched voice. My English sucks and my fashion choice are questionable. When Nikky dropped me so did our other “friends”. I always said she was the glue that held our group together and I was right. My other BFF also just became a mother and I didn’t want to burden her with my issues.
However one person did stayed. Xandra, who originally convinced me to blog as a way to vent out my frustrations has been a constant cheer for me even though we are miles apart. And the growth of this blog being outside of my regular life rants, was all thanks to her encouraging me to embrace what I truly love, which are Photography, the Arts, Electronics, Gaming…and a lot of Food Photography. The year has been good after all. I have many blessings that I’m sure can trump my trials. Plus I got to kayak and go cave exploring for the 1st time (small cave though)
We can’t win all the wars that life throws at us. I know there will be struggles and I will still doubt myself worth, I would be afraid. There will be rejections and rejection letters. And there would be amazing things like the hope to see family again, the feeling of getting that perfect shot…and soon I hope the feel of holding a new Iphone 5S .
To another year.