Thoughts when ill about life

While I was ill over the past week in bed, it got me thinking about a lot of things that happened in the last several years and I realized that though I thought myself as a mature and kind person, looking back I wasn’t. I have been tactless, coward, crybaby and even vengeful which held me back for a long time in truly maturing. I regret the fact that I didn’t put my pride down during my arguments with mom till she passed. I regret that I destroyed many potential friendships due to my selfishness. I regret all the times to this day my lack of tact, my tendency to overreact when forced into a corner and often creating white lies to cover my mistakes.  The only good that came out of each painful experience is the lesson to be a bit wiser though I tend to sometimes repeat the same mistakes on a smaller scale (if not embarrassingly so) This past year I have found myself praying to God to give me a chance to change. And there has been some progress. Slow but good. At least it gets better.  Lolz I should really stop being sick in bed a lot…

As part of my New years Resolutions. I decided to do things that are more attainable and needed. Like Seriously putting money into that secret savings account I opened a year ago. Buying myself 1 piece of new and needed clothing for work…something that will suit my age with hint of fashion.

Drink Vitamins (HAH this is going to be a hard one)

Plan my life insurance and memorial plan.

See..I’m an only child in my family and Im still not married. I don’t wish to burden my relatives into taking care of me when I get seriously ill which is often due to my stupid lungs.

Though it’s still early it would be nice to have myself prepared for the worst financially. Also I can use it for my dad (my surviving parent) when his time comes, or for a relative in need.

I also plan to scratch off a few things from the bucket list. Like actually doing kayaking or seeing snow. Because at my age living in the US I should be able to see real snow. P.S.  The Julian area is not far from me here, it snows there. However I am not familiar driving with chains on the tires and the road up to Julian is exceptionally dangerous this time of year.

There’s also fixing myself up a bit. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror yesterday. Added this nasty cough I’ve been nursing, I aged 10 years horribly.

And…it would be nice to fall inlove again. I have very vague memory of my feeling of experiencing not my first love but REAL TRUE LOVE (Like the type of he’s the one, or the one that got away).

Dear 2013 Please be kind to me.


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